||[Jul. 4th, 2005|08:03 pm]
I can admit that many times in my life I have made terrible mistakes. Last summer, I tried to get to know who Tessa was and tried my best to hang out and have personal conversations. However that ended up to backfire on me and I was stigmatized as a crazy stalker because I wanted a definite date to hang out and get to know the girl. Secondly, there was some lies thrown around in the situation that may have been minor but regardless gave certain parties the wrong idea about what exactly was going on in the situation. Thus, I tried to be a good person and go out of my way for others and it blew up in my face. As well, I lost a friend in the whole fiasco.
However, this mistake or wrong avenue of interest did in fact negatively affect another person who I was friends with. I felt bad for the situation and apologized later on for my stupidity. More recently, this same person turned promises and assurances 180 and did the opposite of everything she said she was going to do. Am I upset? Not really. Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I willing to forgive and forget? Yes. Am I willing to accept avoidance as a resolution because someone is scared of what she did? NO!!!
So, I have given up trying to talk to people, trying to understand, and trying to be sympathetic. I hate bullshit so much. I just want to sit down with people and be brutally honest with one another...it feels great and gets a lot of emotions out. I am not hung up on this situation either because I believe people should go for what they believe in and what makes them happy. But, I will not accept bullshit or cowardice as an answer when I ask the question of "what, who, when or why"
Back in 2001
In other aspects of my past and the pain and torment that I have gone through. Fuck you Susan! Plain out, just fuck you. There was another and yes you know who she is that year of college I made the worst mistake of my life that I should have chosen over you. In fact, had I not been so stupid I would've chosen her and not suffered the three years of torment that you gave me as well as all the backlash I revieced from Katrina for bullshit and manipulation that you created. If I had chosen this other person, all of that fucking shit would have never happened and I would feel like myself today. I wouldn't feel like the paranoid and repressed individual I am today because I lost peoples trust by trusting you and putting my faith in a false idea that you etched into my mind. You also have negatively affected countless individuals in your quest to gain a sense of balance in your life and I will be the first to fully vocalize this and project it outward. There was me, Kerri, Chris, Devin, and most of all Katrina who didn't even deserve a fucking minute of your time. Just block me, take me off your friends list and do whatever, but I will no longer feel ashamed to be myself because of what you did to negatively impact me and Katrina's relationship. I hope everyone hates me and dog piles me with negativity because I don't care what the hell you think you know about the situation.